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Hot jokes today (10 of 84)

I told her that two cute little kittens ran into my house and chased each other down to my sweety shop basement.
As she ran into the empty cellar I bolted the door shut.
So yes, I am fucking smarter than a ten-year-old.

Joke by Gash TL, in Jokes with no home > TV - Tagged i am , cellar , kittens , sweety shop , are you smarter than a ten year old - Current Score: 210 - Added: 18 hours ago

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Joke by jonnyphillips, in Jokes with no home > Fish - Tagged fishing , boring , line , steven wright - Current Score: 158 - Added: 23 hours ago

Last Christmas, my girlfriend got me a penis extension.

It was only then I realised how shallow she is.

Joke by storyteller, in Sex and shit > Penis - Tagged penis , plastic surgery , blonde , personality , big cock , big dick , tight , vagina , christmas , present - Current Score: 151 - Added: 23 hours ago

How come St. George got beatified for killing the rarest creature ever with a massive sword, while I get absolutely fucked by the RSPCA for slaying common frogs with a penknife?

As usual, it's one law for knights in armour and another for the rest of us.

Joke by RobBWFC, in Jokes with no home > Knights - Tagged st george , dragon , knife , sword - Current Score: 129 - Added: 23 hours ago

My Old Science teacher died last week and I had to say a few words at the crematorium. I had no idea what to say, so I said

"Method - Put dead body in coffin,

Observation - Burned with a bright orange red flame

Conclusion - No more fucking homework"

Joke by Soccergod, in Illness and mortality > Death - Tagged radio four , teacher , dead , act your age , milton jones - Current Score: 88 - Added: 20 hours ago

My father in law handed me a note on my wedding day saying, "Goods delivered are non-returnable."
I handed it back and said, "Contract void if seal is broken."

Joke by bawbag, in Jokes with no home > Marriage - Tagged father in law , wedding , void , virginity - Current Score: 79 - Added: 22 hours ago

What's the difference between a woman having her period and a terrorist?

You can negotiate with a terrorist.

Joke by raxtt, in Sex and shit > Sexist - Tagged women , terrorist , periods - Current Score: 70 - Added: 20 hours ago

My wife and I caught our 15yr old daughter smoking a few weeks ago.

So to teach her a lesson, my wife made her smoke the whole packet of cigarettes one after the other.

We thought it had worked, until a few days ago when we both caught her pleasuring herself in her bedroom.

I said to the wife, "I'll deal with this one love, shut the door behind you".

Joke by MICK THE MAG, in Sex and shit > Daughters - Tagged incest , pervert , pleasure - Current Score: 55 - Added: 7 hours ago

I got chatting to this really fit bird in a club the other week.

After a few drinks and that, I asked if she wanted to come back to my place.

"Do you have cable?" she asked.

"Don't be daft," I said. "I've got some rope in the garage that's just as strong."

Joke by MICK THE MAG, in Jokes with no home > Chat Up Line - Tagged bird , cable , club , rope , tied up - Current Score: 50 - Added: 22 hours ago

My mates having a go at me about shagging some fat bird this week.

To be fair, when you're really thirsty...you don't turn down water 'cause it's not Champagne though do you?

Joke by skittles, in Sex and shit > Fat Bird - Tagged fat , girl , mistake , shagging - Current Score: 40 - Added: 4 hours ago

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Hot jokes this week (3 of 416)

I'm going to go rob a bank tomorrow.
I plan on dressing up in a clown wig and make up and only wearing a thong and nipple tassels.
I'll carry a goat and a can of fluorescent paint in one arm and, while in the bank, I'm going to fuck the goat and throw the paint over the walls, all the time ripping up pages of a phonebook and swearing my head off. After getting the money, I'll take a shit on the floor and piss everywhere. I then will escape in a van shaped like a giant pink cock.

Let's see Crimewatch fucking stage a reconstruction of that.

Joke by DumbShit, in Jokes with no home > Crime - Tagged bank , thief , goat , crimewatch , clown , neil delamere - Current Score: 831 - Added: 5 days ago

A little bit of Monica on the floor...

A little bit of Jessica on the steps....

Mumbai No 5.

Joke by MICK THE MAG, in Celebrity and news events > Mumbai Shootings - Tagged bomb , blew to bits , mambo no 5 , mumbai - Current Score: 567 - Added: 4 days ago

I tried mugging an old aged pensioner yesterday.

I said, "Give me all your money now, bitch, or you're geography."

"Don't you mean history?" she replied.

I said, "Don't try to change the subject."

Joke by MICK THE MAG, in Jokes with no home > Pensioners - Tagged biddy , bitch , mugged , subject - Current Score: 462 - Added: 4 days ago

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Hottest Ever (3 of 18207. hit me!)

A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.

The librarian says; "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."

Joke by ht, in Illness and mortality > suicide - Tagged library , suicide , book - Current Score: 15650 - Added: 1 year, 5 months ago

Statistically... 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.

Joke by Nangleberry Keen, in Sex and shit > Rape - Tagged rape , gang , enjoy - Current Score: 10595 - Added: 1 year, 1 month ago

A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.

Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them... they're bound to be curious about sex at that age."

"Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her fucking appendix out!"

Joke by bobbydgg, in Illness and mortality > Children - Tagged curious , sex , little johnny , appendix , doctors and nurses - Current Score: 7752 - Added: 1 year, 5 months ago

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Newest jokes (10 of 18207)

Gary Glitter goes home to find his girlfriend packing her bags. "Im leaving you" she said. "I just found out your a peadophile" "whoooaaahh maddie" said Gary "thats a big word for a 5 year old"

Joke by mrme89, in Jokes with no home > Paedophilia - Tagged None - please add some! - Current Score: 0 - Added: 5 minutes ago

What do riding a Segway scooter and riding a fat bird have in common?

They are both fun to do until your mates see you.

Joke by haggistrap, in Jokes with no home > Fat People - Tagged fat , scooter , ride - Current Score: -4 - Added: 10 minutes ago

A bloke goes into a pub and shouts "All Muslims are cunts!"

A bloke stands up and goes "Oi I resent that!"

"What are you then? A Muslim?"

"No I'm a cunt"

Joke by lashley, in Jokes with no home > One Liners - Tagged muslim , cunt - Current Score: 7 - Added: 18 minutes ago

In the pub the other night, a man tried to pick a fight with me.

"I know where you live", he threatened.

I would have been scared, but I remembered he works for City Link, and so his threat was almost certainly untrue.

Joke by oldskooliain1982, in Jokes with no home > Fighting - Tagged pub , fight , city link , couldnt find their arse from their elbow , viz , letterbocks - Current Score: 1 - Added: 18 minutes ago

Police have said that they are yet to determine wether Shannon Matthews is still a virgin. Oh c'mon, not while there are dogs in the street!

Joke by tonguetwister, in Celebrity and news events > Shannon Matthews - Tagged shannon matthews , virgin - Current Score: -1 - Added: 25 minutes ago

btaylor90 got buried to -6. Reveal Joke

marky_77 got buried to -16. Reveal Joke

Vauxchen got buried to -20. Reveal Joke

raxtt got buried to -9. Reveal Joke

How come father christmas can go into childrens bedrooms and empty his sack yet when i do the same thing i get put on the sex offenders register?

Joke by newzero, in Sex and shit > Paedophile - Tagged paedophilia , christmas , children , santa , sex offender - Current Score: 13 - Added: 56 minutes ago

Hot jokes THIS MONTH (5 of 2359)

When Barack Obama was performing his speech after being elected as president, he had to do it behind three inch thick bullet-proof glass.
I thought that was a bit harsh - just because he's black doesn't mean he's going to shoot anyone.

Joke by jonnysmith16, in Celebrity and news events > Barack Obama - Tagged barack obama , black , shoot , frankie boyle - Current Score: 1459 - Added: 3 weeks ago

My daughter has reached that age where she is asking embarrassing questions about sex.
Just this morning she asked, "Is that the best you can do?"

Joke by bawbag, in Sex and shit > Incest - Tagged daughter , questions , sex - Current Score: 1012 - Added: 3 weeks ago

I met a fourteen-year-old girl on the internet. She was clever, funny, sexy and flirty, so I suggested we meet up.

She turned out to be an undercover detective.

How cool is that at her age?

Joke by storyteller, in Sex and shit > Paedophile - Tagged police , paedo , girlfriend , children , paedophilia , girl , child , virgin , love , kid , life , internet , paedophile , first hot this week and month - Current Score: 980 - Added: 1 week ago

Joke by DumbShit, in Jokes with no home > Crime - Tagged bank , thief , goat , crimewatch , clown , neil delamere - Current Score: 831 - Added: 5 days ago

I was disgusted when I saw Asda selling tins of baby peas...

Surely it's a bit too soon.

Joke by graeme_90, in Celebrity and news events > Baby P - Tagged baby p , petits pois , supermarket , too soon - Current Score: 723 - Added: 2 weeks ago

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Random Jokes (3 of 3. hit me!)

Two men are shopping in a supermarket when their trolleys collide. The first guy says, "sorry about that mate, I'm trying to find my wife!"
The second guy says, "yeah, me too mate."
The first guy says, "maybe I can help, what does she look like?"
The second guy answers, "she's tall, blonde hair, blue eyes, long legs, great tits and a tight arse. What does yours look like?"
The first guy replies, "never mind her, let's find yours!"

Joke by electrohouseman, in Sex and shit > Wife - Tagged shopping , blokes , wives - Current Score: 88 - Added: 7 months, 23 days ago

A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith about enlarging her tiny breasts. Dr. Smith advised her, "Every day after your shower rub your chest and say, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."
She did this faithfully for several months and it worked! She grew terrific D-cup boobs! One morning she was running late, got on the bus and in a panic realised she had forgotten her morning ritual.
Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus closed her eyes and said, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."
A guy sitting nearby looked at her, "By any chance, are you a patient of Dr. Smith's?" "Why, yes I am... How did you know?" He leaned closer, winked and whispered, "Hickory dickory dock..."

Joke by ht, in Sex and shit > Tits - Tagged boobs , hooters , tits , bosoms , breasts , clock - Current Score: 75 - Added: 1 year, 5 months ago

A married couple are driving along when they see a wounded skunk on the side of the road. They stop, the wife gets out, picks it up, and brings it into the car.

She says, "Look, it's shivering, it must be cold. What should I do?"

Her husband replies, "Put it between your legs to keep it warm."

She asks, "What about the smell?"

He says, "Hold its nose."

Joke by ht, in Sex and shit > Vagina - Tagged skunk , fanny , cunt , vagina , husband , wife , discharge - Current Score: 234 - Added: 1 year, 5 months ago

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